I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
