we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
