You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
