hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
