If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
