Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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