i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
