my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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