Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
