My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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