Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
