so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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