you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
