You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I FOUND THE LEGS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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