He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
