Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
