it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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