She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
