I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
