On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
