my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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