How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
