If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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