Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
