i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
