I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
