Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
