Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
