Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
