I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
