just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
