Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
