well I can't set my house on fire every night
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
