Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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