Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
