I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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