I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
