I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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