I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
