When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
