I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
