I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
