The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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