There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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