She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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