You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
