She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
