I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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