God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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