Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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