this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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