So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
