I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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