I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
