I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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