Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
