I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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