I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
