he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
